The Police Academy movies: Cringes and flowers and shit
Constantly, my husband is amazed that there are a number of movies that I have not seen. He’s always trying to “school” me when it comes to film, but many of the movies that I haven’t seen, I’d hardly consider “film.” Over the years, I have indulged my husband and watched whatever he thinks I need in my life. I acquiesce with a smile.
Over the summer, it came to my husband’s attention that I had never seen any of the Police Academy movies, not even the first one. Despite my love of Steve Guttenberg and Bobcat Goldthwait, I had no idea what the plot was of these movies. I probably could’ve guessed after a quick online search showed that they made seven of them within 10 years. They actually made six movies within five years as the seventh movie didn’t come out until five years after the sixth one. Were they good or garbage?
>>>>DIARY: Taking a break to pamper myself and get healthy
My husband hadn’t seen all of the later movies either, so we went on an adventure to watch every single Police Academy movie in a month. While the first one wasn’t too bad, they progressively get worse and worse. They get to a point where it’s just cringy and absolutely ridiculous.
But we made it through all seven movies, and I wanted to share some of the insights that I have about these movies. My insights will show you that there is no reason that this franchise should be as beloved as some think it should be. Even Bobcat Goldthwait hates the fact he was in these movies.
Same jokes in the movies: Essentially, most of the jokes in the first one are sprinkled throughout all the other movies. The hooker-in-the-podium joke is constantly revisited, and Bobcat just yells all the time and is incoherent. It gets old.
Same plot in the movies: The plot is basically the same in every movie. All these jokers have to get together for some reason. Then hilarity. Then a bad guy does something. Montage and successful ending! Also, The fourth and fifth movie both include a jewelry heist. So you’re telling me these dummies couldn’t think of a new plot from the fourth to the fifth one?
Short schizophrenic bits: The further you get into the movies, the more you can see that some editor just pieced together about 3,000 short schizophrenic bits that show someone’s shirt getting ripped off or paint getting dumped on someone’s head. Shit just happens for no goddamn reason at the weirdest times.
Too many sexist jokes: As a woman, I obviously cringed a lot at all the sexual harassment. Kim Cattrall is all but molested by Steve Guttenberg, but at the end, she’s all in. I mean, it’s Steve Guttenberg. I would be too. It’s not just the sexist jokes, there are racial and homophobic jokes that just don’t hold up now. But that Blue Oyster Bar is hilarious.
Bad body doubles: That was very obviously not Steve Guttenberg on a jet ski in Police Academy 3. They didn’t even try to find someone with curly hair.
5 more insights
Bad voiceovers: In the same vein as bad body doubles, you can clearly hear when the audio is overlayed on the movie. Some people are talking and their mouths aren’t even moving. And Michael Winslow’s ninja character voice and mouth movements are hella annoying after seeing it for the 10th time.
No real songs: They couldn’t afford real music, so the early movies just have really bad copycats like Jeddie Van Mailan and other shitty musician name here.
The original songs they do have are awful: They eventually “write” and “sing” their own song. It’s a rap and the lyrics are garbage. And according to many a YouTube commenter, at 2:06, the song turns into Mary Has a Little Lamb. Listen for yourself! Also, for some reason, Brian Wilson wrote a song for the fourth one called “Let’s Go To Heaven in My Car.” Dude must’ve been eating mushrooms for days when he did that. He’s basically saying this movie makes me want to drive off a cliff in my car and die and go to heaven.
Super short movies: The first movie is the longest clocking in at 96 minutes. They all go down from there. However, Police Academy 4 has the longest hot air balloon chase I’ve ever seen in my life.
Random big stars only appear once in the series: You know a movie is bad when random stars appear only once. Kim Cattrall, Sharon Stone, David Spade and Christopher Lee said only once! Steve Guttenberg at least decided that four was his limit unlike Michael Winslow and David Graf who rode this horse until it died.
