16: Why I can't do comedy contests anymore, but I probably still will

I performed in the Wiley’s Fireworks contest. This was the third time I have attempted the contest, but it has been 3 years since I competed in it. Just as in 2015, I didn’t make it through.

The first time I did the contest in 2014, I did make it through. It was one of the best experiences and the final show was the largest crowd I had performed in front of thus far in my career. I started stand-up in 2013, so performing for a packed-out house was incredible and nerve-wracking.

>>>>PHOTOS: All the pic of me you need from the Wiley's Fireworks contest

The reason I didn’t perform in 2016 and 2017 is that I really have a hard time losing. I have been a competitive person and perfectionist my entire life. I must get all As. I must score all the points. I must win all the contests.

I have learned that this mind-set can be detrimental to your mental health because most contests are based on audience vote, which is something the performer cannot control. Some people win because they brought tons of people, and that’s just how it is.

I kept telling myself that I wasn’t going to be mad if I didn’t make I through to the next round. I said that over and over and over. And then I didn’t make it through. And I hated myself. I have a problem with negative self-talk, and my brain was going overboard.

>>>>DIARY: A place called Washington Courthouse

It said things like: “You’ve been a comedian for almost 5 years and you can’t even move to the second round of a contest? You really shouldn’t have changed that tag. You really didn’t put things in the right order. Why didn’t you dress differently? You should’ve just done your titty jokes.”

After the show, I was down. Way down. I was down until probably yesterday. So much so, I didn’t even go to the final show, and I had already bought a ticket. Now I am trying to build myself back up mentally and will start by having a good set on Friday.