Jessica Graue is a comedian, blogger, journalist and professor. Check out upcoming show dates and or hilarious blogs.

Part 2: Home sweet home? More like home salty home

Part 2: Home sweet home? More like home salty home

This is the continuation of my last blog about everything that has gone wrong with our new home. Here is the rest of the things that have gone wrong with this casa from hell.

Internet upgrade: The internet was apparently not something the former owner or tenants needed. The lines were all messed up and the wi-fi is pretty terrible. We had to get a booster to be able to have internet in the entire house.

>>>>BLOG: Part 1: Home sweet home? More like home salty home

Filling cracks around foundation: We obviously saw this when we bought the house, but again the inspector didn’t raise any red flags. We had this issue at our last house and fixed it ourselves. But last week we started getting water in the basement right where those little cracks are. We have to get them filled in and get the gutter fixed because it is also leaking.

Furnace had illegal pipes: I just want to say the inspector was total garbage. He didn’t see the illegal pipes on the furnace. My friend who works in heating and air came over, took one look at the furnace and said “That’s not right at all.” It was an easy fix, but still! The seller would have had to pay to fix it instead of me.

Birds shitting everywhere: We have god damn birds in the backyard that live in our porch overhang. They fucking shit everywhere. My car is coated in disgusting bird feces whenever I park in the back. It rivals the time we had an angry bird at my parents’ house that would attack our cars for hours on end and just shit everywhere.



Shower in basement is garbage: We were so excited to have a second full bathroom downstairs in our finished basement. We could finally poop at the same time! But like everything else in the house, things were not installed properly. I had to shower down there the first day we lived in the house and water from the shower flooded almost the entire bathroom floor. They left giant gaps in the shower so the only way to not get water all over the floor is to first get in the shower, then turn it on. It’s god damn freezing! So much for the second bathroom. At least the toilet works. That first night we realized that we could poop at the same time was amazing.

>>>>DIARY: My childhood home is up for sale

Vectren dug our up: The second week we moved in, we found out Vectren was replacing all the gas lines. Normally, this might be a good thing, but our gas meter was  in a closet in the basement where we had tons of shelves and tubs. They had to come into our house and it wasn’t fun. We were told that we better hope we don’t get the fat guy because he is so fat, that he will put gas meters in stupid places because he is too fat to get into small spaces. Well, guess what? We got the fat guy.

Weird neighbor: There is this little girl that lives next door with her grandma. The first time we saw her, she was walking down the street and she would sit on our steps very close to our house. She was always talking to herself. She would dance around  like she was all alone. We weren’t sure if she was a ghost or autistic. Luckily for us, she doesn’t talk to us anymore. Not sure what we did, but we are glad we did it.

Numerous small things that needed fixed including: Baseboards needed replaced, doors were crooked and needed to be realigned, tub needed resealed,  metal on porch was rusting and needed painted, shed in is all rotted out, the kitchen light is so low, that we hit our head on it almost every time we walk in the kitchen, one shelf in the kitchen does not have a matching knob and it drives me freaking insane, and lastly, our damn microwave is so crooked that it takes me the force of a Viking to open it.


So that’s it. I know houses are expensive, but for fuck’s sake, I am starting to get anxious just walking in the place. I am waiting for the tub to fall through the floor or the oven to catch on fire. I am hoping all of our misery associated with this house is over, but you never know. If one more thing goes wrong, I might need to have a priest come and bless it.

But, hey, we live in Kettering now. That’s something, right?

A show about comics doesn't feel like a show about comics

A show about comics doesn't feel like a show about comics

PART 1: Home sweet home? More like home salty home

PART 1: Home sweet home? More like home salty home