Robocallers are people too
So here’s a question that needs no answer. How many people keep getting robocalls non-stop? From owing the IRS to winning a cruise to getting a lower interest loan, my recent calls lately have been random numbers with no names. I would have an unknown name or a random city from all over the country.
My voice mails were just full of these lovely people saying: “Hello? Hello? O, I couldn’t hear you.” Or something like: “You are eligible for a refinance loan to help get rid of those student loans.” My student loans will be paid off in a year, so these people haven’t really done their homework.
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However, now they are getting clever. They have 937 area codes and actually have names now. I’m super impressed with these scammers’ ambition, and I’m even more thrilled with their choice of names for these super helpful telemarketers just trying to save me a buck.
I decided to take the fake names and give them life. Give them purpose. Who would these robocallers be in real life? What would their innermost thoughts and desires be? Where would they work? What would their hobbies be? Who are they as people? Who is the woman that can’t hear me, but then miraculously can 5 seconds later?
Honestly, this may actually be Lorrain Cushman, but there was no comma to tell us otherwise. Cushman Lorrain was once very good at selling beauty products. She sold foundation to Farrah Fawcett once in the late 80s. It’s on her resume. Why the fall from grace? She had a brief affair with Ryan O’Neal, but it was after he was a has-been so no one cared. Farrah made sure Cushman’s products were sold only by street vendors on Rodeo Drive. Cushman went into hiding for a while and eventually started working for a robocaller trying to sell vacations. BARF
When I saw this name pop up in my phone, I was star struck. If you are unfamiliar with the name Frimpong, you need to dig a little deeper into North Korean independent film makers. Tai Frimpong has been allowed to make at least 2 films about what it might be like to have internet. Charit is his cousin who escaped to America last year in the hopes of finding out what it is like to be in America and have the freedom to use the internet to find at least 6 different routes to Starbucks.
Karen’s bangs are distinguished. They haven’t changed since 1992. Karen is obviously a soccer mom who does robocalls on the side for her husband who works at a bank. And it’s not really even a bank. It’s a credit union with 12 members in a town of 867 people. Karen longs for the days of high school where she was popular, wore short skirts and was known for killer blow jobs under the bleachers. She now dials aimlessly, looking out the window, searching for a purpose in life that will never cum.
This article is pure satire. See our disclaimer for more info.
