Sweating, jiggling, breathing heavily. Ignoring intolerable foot pain while watching my favorite Netflix TV shows. I try to take a drink of water without slipping off the treadmill. I misstep slightly. I’m scared for a second, but I get my stride back.

This is how most mornings go when I am on the treadmill. Sometimes I watch a DVD and I lift weights or mimic aerobic moves by super model-like women who are dressed to the nines with their faces covered in make-up, their hair curled and sprayed.

Why do I do this to myself? Because I am fat.

Jess at 220 pounds in a T-shirt and jeans.

And it has been this way most of my life. My weight, much like my mental health, is bipolar. It has severe highs and lows. I have always been athletic and love to exercise. My highest weight in the last 10 years was 310. My lowest was 200. My weight now? 260. I’ve never had an issue with telling people my weight. I mean, they can fucking see me.

This last year was full of a lot of ups and downs. Downs in my mental health and ups in my weight. I’m currently back to trying to lose the 40 pounds I have gained. It gets much more difficult the older I get. My feet hurt. One has plantar fasciitis and one has a plate, 2 screws and 4 pins in it. Long story.

One other difference now is that I am a comedian. My last major weight loss was from 2011 to 2013. 2013 is the year I started comedy. I suppose my confidence was at an all-time high, so I finally got on stage. I maintained a respectable 220 for 3 years. I felt great.

Jess at 220 in a T-shirt and shorts. Them some great gams.

I even wore shorts on stage because I have great legs and I don’t give a fuck about comedy rules.

Now that I have the extra weight, a few things are different. It’s hard to do my jokes about weight loss. I’m obviously fat. But I can happily say that I’m not as fat as I once was. However, I have discovered a new wealth of material in making fun of myself for gaining weight. Sometimes the audience feels sad, but usually they laugh.

>>>>MORE FROM JESSICA GRAUE: Robocallers are people too

It’s difficult for me to find something to wear on stage that I feel comfortable in. It used to be a plain T-shirt and jeans. Now that makes me feel self-conscious. I now have 2 shirts I wear for comedy. I also found out how much skinny jeans rule.

The main point is that no matter what weight I am, I’m never going to stop getting on stage. I really don’t care what I look like once I get up there and people are laughing at me. But I do ask of my fellow comedians, if you ever see me up there with camel toe, for fuck’s sake let a bitch know!

Labias gain weight too guys.

Jul 21 On being a fat comedian

Jul 30 I headlined Wiley's and I liked it

Jun 20 5 reasons to go out of town for comedy